Self-Harm Support

Self-Harm Support

• What is Self-Harm?
• Who Can Self-Harm?
• Risk Factors & Causes
• Self-Harm Vs Suicide
• What can I do if I want to stop self-harming?
• Where can I turn for professional support?
• What can I do if I’m concerned about someone else self-harming?

 

The term "self-harm" or "self-injury" refers to a variety of behaviors that can cause harm to oneself. Self-harm encompasses many forms, including deliberate physical injury, self-neglect, and engaging in risky behaviors. Each person's relationship with self-harm is unique, so it's essential not to make assumptions about what it means for different individuals.

Self-harm serves as an umbrella term that includes various behaviors that damage a person, with self-injury being a more specific type. Self-injury involves someone purposely causing physical injury to themselves as a means of relieving emotional distress or difficulties.

Some well-known ways of self-harming include:

• Cutting or severe scratching
• Pinching
• Swallowing poisonous substances or inappropriate objects
• Burning or scalding
• Causing bruising to the body by hitting or head banging
• Punching things or throwing your body against walls and hard objects
• Taking overdoses of tablets or medication without suicidal intent
• Inserting objects into the skin or body
• Intentionally preventing wounds from healing
• Hair pulling (also known as Trichotillomania)

This is not an exhaustive list of self-harm, as there are many forms, including drug and alcohol abuse, risk-taking behaviours, and eating disorders. Not all forms of self-harm are visible, and sometimes they can be hidden. Many people associate self-harm primarily with cutting, as this is the most commonly represented form in the media. However, individuals may harm themselves in various ways that they feel are effective for them, and some may even develop unique methods.

Self-harm is often used as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, difficult memories, and life experiences. However, it may also occur for other reasons, such as when dealing with intrusive thoughts or voices. Some might use it to feel more in control, relieve guilt, or punish themselves. For those dealing with feelings of sadness or emptiness, it can be the only thing that makes them feel alive, or simply feel something, instead of feeling numb.

While some individuals may come to rely on self-injury during times of distress, it is generally not considered an addiction. Instead, it reflects a behavioural response to the inability to manage emotional pain and distressing life circumstances.

Initially, self-harm might start as an impulsive act or as a way to regain a sense of control, but it can quickly develop into a compulsive behaviour that is hard to stop. It may become a habitual response to daily stressors or difficult situations, escalating in frequency and severity over time. Someone may not resort to self-harm for years while experiencing stability, but they might revert to it immediately when faced with challenges. People often rely on familiar coping mechanisms, leaving them feeling as if they have no other options.

Many find that physical pain is easier to manage than emotional pain because it feels more real and tangible. Self-injury might provide a way to express feelings that are hard to articulate, distract from life’s challenges, or alleviate emotional suffering. For some, injuries serve as proof that their emotional pain is real and valid. Although self-injurious behaviour may bring temporary relief or a sense of calm, it does not address the underlying issues, leading to a cyclical pattern where painful emotions resurface, prompting the urge to self-harm once again.

Self-harm is often a self-perpetuating cycle that people get caught in.

• Emotional distress
• Inability to cope
• Relieve the distress by self-harming
• Temporary relief
• Guilt, shame and further emotional distress because they self-harmed

One situation leads to another, inability to cope with emotional distress leads to self-harming, which leads to guilt, shame and further emotional distress, which you are unable to cope with, leading to self-harming again. The cycle keeps going around and can be hard to break out of, and while you are caught in the cycle, it may prevent you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.

 

Is Self-Injury a mental illness?

No – Self-injury is a reaction and coping mechanism, not a diagnosis. Anyone could turn to self-harm if their emotional pain becomes too much to deal with. Whilst a person suffering from mental illness may be more at risk of self-harming behaviour, the self-harming itself is not an indication of mental illness.

Keeping the secret of self-harm can feel incredibly isolating, and it's completely understandable to feel ashamed or think that no one would truly understand what you’re going through. Hiding your feelings can become an overwhelming burden, impacting not only your own well-being but also your relationships with those you care about.

It’s important to recognise that self-harm can lead to serious injuries, often without intention. If you find yourself in a vulnerable place, things can escalate quickly, especially if you're using substances like drugs or alcohol.

While self-harm might seem like a temporary relief, it often doesn't address the deeper issues that lead to those feelings of pain or distress. Know that there is hope, and with the right support, you can find a way to stop the cycle of self-harm.

Even if you’re feeling lonely or trapped right now, there are healthier coping strategies waiting for you to discover. Please remember—you are not alone on this journey, and there are people who care and want to help you through this.

 

There is no simple answer to this question. The truth is that anyone can be at risk of self-harming at some point in their life, depending on their experiences and feelings about those experiences.

People self-harm for various reasons and in different ways. What causes one person to harm themselves may not affect another in the same way. Popular culture often suggests that self-harm primarily affects teenage girls, but this is far from the truth. Young people of all ages, from pre-teens to young adults, are more likely to engage in self-injury than older adults. However, self-harm can occur at any age and affect any gender.

Turning to self-harm is not a sign of emotional immaturity; rather, it indicates that someone is struggling and feels that nothing else will help them cope. For some, self-injury can serve as a coping mechanism during stressful or challenging times, and it is not limited to any specific sex or gender.

Self-injury can impact anyone at any stage of life. Factors such as gender, age, sexual orientation, race, religion, and background are all irrelevant. The motivations behind self-harm can be complex and can affect individuals from all walks of life, regardless of their circumstances.

Some adults may have harmed themselves in their youth and may return to self-injury during times of distress. Others may turn to self-injury for the first time in adulthood due to life events beyond their control and the accompanying stress.

 

Whilst things like gender and age are not a consideration, there are risk factors that can put someone more at risk of resorting to self-harm.

Some risk factors are:

• Low self-esteem - Many individuals who self-injure experience intense negative feelings about themselves, often linked to low self-esteem. This can result from long-term belittlement, such as bullying at school or work, or emotional abuse from a parent or loved one. People from all backgrounds can struggle with concerns about their self-worth.
• Perfectionism and high expectations of achievement - Perfectionism motivates individuals to achieve high standards, but often leads to feelings of inadequacy and failure, as nothing feels good enough. Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and self-blame when those standards are not met.
• Poor body image - Many people who self-injure struggle with a negative body image, which can be fuelled by harsh comments from others or unrealistic media standards. This feeling of inadequacy can lead to self-injury as a way to cope or 'punish' their bodies.
• Trauma and abuse - Some people self-injure as a way to cope with traumatic life events, whether they are current or past. These events may include bereavement, bullying, the breakup of a relationship, or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• Other mental health issues - Self-injury may be linked to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and borderline personality disorder. Those with complex mental health challenges often struggle with impulsive behaviour and emotional regulation, which can also be influenced by conditions like ADHD or autism.
• Contact with the criminal justice system – Facing legal troubles or the possibility of jail can be a traumatic experience on many levels, making it very difficult to cope.
• Extreme Stress - Pressure at school or work, family arguments or relationship problems. Worries about money or pressures from family commitments. Even a happy occasion like the birth of a child can cause added stress to the point of feeling unable to cope.

For many people, self-harm serves as a coping mechanism. However, it's important to recognise that everyone has their own unique reasons for engaging in self-harm. These reasons can vary greatly and may change over time or in response to different circumstances.

Additionally, there doesn't always have to be a specific triggering event that leads someone to self-harm. Sometimes, individuals may go through a phase of lower self-esteem or increased distress, which can result in harmful behaviours.

Things that people who turn to self-harm may be seeking include:

• Release – sometimes physical pain can feel clearer and easier to cope with than mental or emotional pain. When feelings of distress get pent up and feel like they are becoming too much, self-harm can feel like the only method of release available.
• Punishment – feeling of failure and inadequacy can cause people to feel like they need to punish themselves.
• Control – When circumstances or life pressures feel like they are spiralling out of control, self-harm can feel like a focus that is controlled by the individual. So much in life is out of our control. Things happen to us, sometimes terrible, catastrophic things, and there’s little we can do about it. When a person feels desperate, fearful or like their life is being controlled by an authority figure self-harm can feel like the only way to cope, to try to gain just a tiny amount of control over their life.
• A cry for help – whilst most who self-harm go to great lengths to hide what they are doing, suffering from shame and guilt over their actions, sometimes the person is deep down hoping that their self-harm will be noticed and they will be given the help that they themselves feel unable to ask for.
• In response to intrusive thoughts – Some may be dealing with suicidal thoughts and may feel as if they have no other option than to self-harm as way of releasing their feelings to prevent them from turning to suicide as a solution.
• Focus – some can feel that the action of causing physical pain can make them feel alive and present in the moment. Some people self-harm to deal with feeling unreal, numb, isolated, or disconnected. Self-harm in these circumstances may lead to feelings of being more real and able to cope in the short term.

 

The severity of self-harm can often be misleading, as it doesn't always reflect the level of distress a person is feeling. What’s most important is recognising that someone has reached a point where they feel compelled to harm themselves. This suggests deep emotional struggles that need attention and care. It’s essential to approach the underlying issues with compassion and support, focusing on understanding and healing. It is important to identify and deal with the underlying issue causing the self-harm itself.

 

What if I'm not sure why I self-harm?

It may not always be immediately clear why someone engages in self-harm. Understanding the reasons behind your self-harm can help you feel more in control of it and recognise what it does for you. This exploration may require courage, so be kind to yourself throughout the process—discovering the right answers for you may take time.

No single reason for self-harm is more valid than another. Each person who engages in self-injury is dealing with their own struggles.

Self-injury is a choice—a way to cope and survive. It is not something that simply happens to a person; rather, it is a conscious decision to manage emotional distress. 

 

 

 

While self-harm can sometimes be a precursor to suicide, it does not guarantee that someone who self-harms has any thoughts of ending their life. For many individuals, self-injury serves as a coping mechanism, helping them manage emotional distress and get through the day. In these cases, self-harm can be a way to stay alive and cope with pain, rather than an indication of suicidal intent.

Someone who is suicidal may feel overwhelmed and believe that their only option is to end their life. In contrast, a person who self-harms might feel similarly overwhelmed but see self-injury as a means of coping and surviving rather than a way to escape life.

However, it is important to note that those who engage in self-injury are often at a higher risk of considering suicide. It's crucial to remain vigilant and recognise when thoughts of self-harm may escalate into thoughts of suicide.

If you are concerned that you or someone you care about may be developing suicidal tendencies, please visit the Suicide Support section of our website for advice and resources.

Suicide Advice - The Atherstone Surgery

 

Taking the step to consider letting go of self-harm is incredibly courageous, and it's important to acknowledge that. There are many ways to support yourself on this journey, and you don't have to navigate it alone.

If you're contemplating stopping or reducing your self-harm, know that finding strategies that resonate with you can be empowering. It’s completely normal to feel that overcoming this challenge seems impossible, especially if it has been a part of your life for a long time. But we want you to know that change is possible. With patience, effort, and determination, many people have successfully found their way to healing.

You might find it helpful to explore different techniques to see what feels right for you. Remember, combining self-help strategies with the guidance of professionals can make a significant difference. Take your time, and be gentle with yourself on this journey. You are not alone.

 

Consider what self-harm does for you and the role it plays in your life

The more you understand your own self-harm, the more in control you may feel and hopefully experience less distress. Understanding why you self-harm and how it helps you cope can also make it easier to discuss your feelings with others. If you can figure out what purpose your self-injury serves, you can learn other ways to get those needs met, which in turn can reduce your desire to hurt yourself.

It can be helpful to reflect on the reasons behind your self-injury and consider how you might feel without it. This reflection can guide you away from self-injury and allow you to focus more clearly on the root causes of your pain.

We need support for the issues that contribute to our self-injury. It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to abandon our coping mechanisms if we cannot effectively manage the difficult situations that lead to them.

Additionally, recognizing that self-injury is a choice can be empowering. When emotions run high, it may feel like you have no alternative but to resort to the only method you know for dealing with the pain. However, acknowledging self-harm as a choice opens up the possibility of exploring alternatives that you may otherwise deny yourself. You may not be ready to choose a different path just yet, but the option to look into other strategies is available for when you are ready.

Recovery is not solely about deciding to move away from self-injury; it is primarily about seeking help for the issues we struggle to cope with. As we progress on that journey, we can gradually make the choice to move away from self-injury as well.

 

Look for patterns in your self-harm and keep a diary

Recognising the specific triggers that lead to your urge to self-harm is a crucial step on your journey toward recovery. Many individuals turn to self-harm as a coping mechanism for emotional pain, and understanding these triggers can empower you to address your feelings in healthier ways. Take a moment to reflect on the emotions that drive you to self-harm. Do you find yourself feeling sadness, anxiety, anger, loneliness, shame, or emptiness?

If you are struggling to identify these feelings, rest assured, you are not alone; many people face this challenge. Developing emotional awareness is a vital skill that can greatly support your healing. This involves not only recognising and naming your emotions but also understanding their roots and how they influence your behaviour. It's about becoming attuned to what you feel in any given moment and how those feelings can lead to actions, whether positive or negative. Your emotions serve as valuable signals from your body, but they do not have to dictate harmful actions. You genuinely deserve to discover healthier and more constructive coping strategies.

Keeping a diary can be immensely helpful as you navigate your emotional landscape. Use this diary to document your feelings when you experience the urge to self-harm. Take the time to unpack the different emotions present at that moment and consider what events or circumstances contributed to these feelings. If you ever feel ready to reach out for support, sharing your diary entries can be an effective way to communicate your internal struggles, especially if articulating your feelings in person proves too challenging. However, it's completely acceptable if the thought of sharing this part of yourself feels overwhelming. This diary can be a safe space exclusively for you—a tool for self-reflection that you can use without fear of judgment from others.

The idea of fully engaging with your feelings instead of numbing them or expressing them through self-harm can be intimidating. You may worry about becoming overwhelmed or trapped in your pain. Yet it’s important to realise that emotions are often fleeting; they rise and fall like waves. When you resist, judge, or criticise yourself for feeling a certain way, those feelings can intensify and become more persistent. Conversely, if you allow yourself to experience the emotions without struggle or self-criticism, you may find that they dissipate naturally, often replaced by different emotions. Remember, healing is a process, and acknowledging your feelings is a fundamental part of this path.

 

Explore possible alternative coping mechanisms and distraction techniques

Self-harm often serves as a way to cope with unpleasant feelings and difficult situations. If you want to stop, it's essential to find alternative coping mechanisms so that you can respond differently when you feel the urge to cut or hurt yourself. Discovering ways to prevent or distract yourself from self-harm can help you navigate challenging moments.

Remember, not every distraction technique will work for you. It may take a combination of different methods to effectively redirect your need to self-harm in the moment. Finding the right mix might take some time, and if one method doesn’t work, try to stay positive and explore other options. Everyone is unique, and what helps one person might not help another. With patience, you can identify the strategies that work best for you.

Try to pause before resorting to self-harm and experiment with some of the options mentioned. Keep a diary of what you’ve tried, noting what worked and what didn’t. Once you identify the methods that are most effective for you, write them down so you can easily access them during difficult times when you feel the urge to self-harm.

• Try calming breathing exercises or other things you find relaxing to reduce feelings of anxiety
• Hurt an object instead of yourself – Punch a cushion or mattress, scream into your pillow, tear up paper or magazines.
• Take a shower or bath – this could be with cold water to shock you and make your body feel awake and present in the moment, or it could be with hot water with the aim of soothing and easing tension.
• Find a creative outlet - Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint
• Start a journal or diary -  this can be a great way to express or examine your feelings. The Self-harm Journal from the Violet Project can work well for young people who self-harm and are trying to sort out their feelings. This can be found HERE. 
• Compose a poem or song to say what you feel
• Write down any negative feelings and then rip the paper up
• Clench then relax your muscles
• Pet or cuddle with a dog or cat – petting animals can often be soothing. If you feel that your emotions are too intense and that you may not be able to safely pet an animal without the risk of causing them harm, you could try stroking or petting a cuddly toy instead.
• Wrap yourself in a warm blanket
• Massage your neck, hands, and feet
• Listen to music – This could be something soothing that makes you feel calm or something loud and energetic that makes you want to move.
• Call a friend or family member – Reaching out to another is a great way of distracting yourself. You don’t have to talk about self-harm, just the act of connecting with another can be enough.
• Chew something with a very strong taste - like chilli peppers, peppermint, or a grapefruit peel. If you experience a feeling of numbness or not being present, this can shock your system and make you feel present in the moment.
• Go online to a self-help website, chat room, or message board - You may find the offload your thoughts tool from CALM helpful. Offload Your Thoughts | CALM
• Exercise vigorously – run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag.
• Do something with your hands - Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay.
• Make some noise - Play an instrument, bang on pots and pans, sing loudly, scream if you need to.
• Do something to keep yourself busy - Tidy up/declutter or weed the garden.
• Plan something you enjoy - Plan an activity or trip e.g., volunteering, cinema, park.
• Get out of the house - Go for a walk, pay attention to your surroundings. look at the things around you and listen to sounds.
• Practice positive affirmations - Make a list of achievements you are proud of or moments when you felt good about yourself. Consider something positive that happened this week, or a challenge you faced, no matter how small it may seem.

 

You may also like to try an app specifically designed to help you deal with the urges to self-harm and cope with difficult feelings. Please take a look below to see some of the available options.

• Home - Calm Harm App
• distrACT - Expert Self Care
• BlueIce app - Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust
• Chill Panda – Reducing anxiety and improving well being in Children through a fun gaming app

 

If the urge to harm is overwhelming and you feel like nothing would be enough to distract you, some temporary substitutes like the ones below might help in the moment when you feel desperate.

• Use a red marker pen to draw on your skin where you might want to hurt yourself
• Rub ice cubes over your skin where you might usually cut or hold it under your arms or legs or in your hand till it melts.
• Place rubber bands on your wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting.

 

What to do if I feel suicidal - Advice and support - The Atherstone Surgery

 

Take care of yourself and your injuries

Hurting yourself poses serious health risks in addition to the emotional distress you may be experiencing. If you feel the urge to self-harm, please ensure that you use clean tools and treat any cuts or burns immediately to prevent them from worsening. It's important to keep a well-stocked first aid kit on hand and have access to emergency services if you need help.

Always seek medical support when necessary. No matter how you sustain an injury, you deserve and are entitled to medical treatment.

Taking care of yourself and seeking help for your distress is a positive step toward recovery. It can help you feel empowered and remind you that you are worth it and deserve better.

 

Reach out and talk to someone

Reaching out to someone you trust to talk about what you're going through can be one of the most supportive steps you can take for yourself. Whether it's a friend, family member, or a professional, seeking help is so important. we understand that opening up about your feelings or experiences can feel overwhelming, but having someone by your side can make a world of difference. It can empower you to make the changes you need to reduce or stop self-harming behaviours.

It's completely normal to feel hesitant about sharing your struggles, often due to feelings of shame or believing you don’t deserve help. But please remember, you are not alone in your feelings. Many people care deeply and want to help. Keeping your feelings inside may leave you feeling isolated, and we know the thought of sharing can be scary. Yet, when you feel ready to reach out, it’s an opportunity for others to offer their support and understanding.

Talking with someone can help alleviate that sense of loneliness, and many find that it gives them the strength to take important steps toward healing. If you're considering getting help for self-harm, beginning by confiding in another person can be an incredibly brave and relieving step. Allowing yourself to share what you’ve kept hidden can lead to a profound sense of relief, and it’s a vital part of your journey toward feeling better. Remember, you deserve support and care.

We appreciate how difficult it can be to work up the courage to speak to someone about how you feel, so below are some things you may want to consider when approaching another.

• Find someone you can trust – Choose someone you trust who won’t gossip or try to control your recovery. Think about who in your life makes you feel accepted and supported—this could be a friend, colleague, or even a mentor or counsellor. It might be easier to confide in someone with a bit of distance from the situation, like a GP or a helpline. Remember that some people may not be able to keep your information confidential, especially if they work in certain professions (such as teaching). If you're talking to a friend, ask if they’re comfortable keeping things private. It’s important to feel safe and trust the person you choose to confide in, as deciding whom to trust can be difficult.
• Communicate in whatever way you feel most comfortable - If you're feeling too anxious to talk in person, consider starting the conversation with an email, text, or letter. However, it’s essential to eventually follow up with a face-to-face discussion.
• Decide on the right time and place – Ensure that you have enough time to share your message and listen to their response without interruptions. The person you’re speaking with may not be prepared for this news, so acknowledge that what you’re sharing could come as a shock to them. Let them know that you understand they might need time to process the information. If they feel distressed or if the conversation is interrupted, don’t hesitate to ask if you can continue the discussion at another time.
• Give the person time to process what you tell them - We understand that opening up can be incredibly hard for you, and it may also be a difficult experience for the person you share your feelings with, especially if they are someone close to you, like a friend or family member. It’s natural to feel uneasy about their reaction, and you might not always like how they respond. Just remember, when they seem shocked, angry, or fearful, those emotions often come from a place of love and concern for your well-being.
• Try to talk honestly and openly – It’s important to be clear about how you're feeling, why you're seeking help, and what kind of support you need. You might find it easier to express yourself by writing things down, talking online, or calling someone to practice what you want to say. It's okay if you're unsure about what you need; don’t hesitate to admit that you don't have all the answers right now. Instead of providing a detailed account of past events, you may find it helpful to focus on the feelings or situations that lead to self-harm. This approach can help the person you're confiding in better understand your perspective.
• Be prepared for the other person to ask questions and decide if you want to reveal any injuries or scars – Let the other person ask any questions they feel necessary, but don't feel obligated to answer them all right away. Be honest about your comfort level. You shouldn't feel pressured to share anything you're not ready to discuss. You don’t have to show your injuries or answer any questions you don't feel comfortable with. If you're speaking with a health professional, they may want to assess whether you need treatment. Make sure you are prepared to decide if you're comfortable with this.

 

What if they say they can’t support me?

Some individuals may be unable to offer their support at this moment, but it's essential not to take this personally. People face a myriad of challenges in their lives, and it’s possible they are preoccupied with their own struggles, such as personal issues, stress, or emotional burdens. It’s truly commendable that you summoned the courage to reach out to them in the first place, as it takes strength to be vulnerable. Keep in mind that there are others out there who are willing and able to provide you with the support you need—so don’t lose hope, and continue to seek connections. Your journey towards healing and understanding is important, and even if the person you first speak to feels unable to offer the help that you need, there is someone out there who can.

 

I don’t know how to talk about this

You may want to take a look at the NHS guide to speak to another about self-harm below.

How to tell someone about self-harm - NHS

 

Resisting the urge to hurt yourself is not easy, but once you find the right person to confide in, you can begin to understand the reasons that led you down this path. By expressing your feelings, you can find a way to move away from self-harm.

Talking about self-harm can be very stressful and may bring up a lot of emotions. Don’t be discouraged if it feels like the situation worsens for a short time after you share your secret. Confronting and changing long-standing habits can be uncomfortable. However, once you get through these initial challenges, you will start to feel better.

 

Remember that things can change for you – there is HOPE

Letting go of self-harm is a positive journey that requires time and understanding. It's completely normal to face challenges along the way, and if you occasionally feel like you're moving backwards, remember that this does not mean you've failed. Acknowledge that self-harm has been a coping mechanism for you, and it's okay to recognize that.

The path to stopping self-harm is unique for each individual, and the time it takes can vary greatly. Focus on treating yourself with kindness and celebrate every achievement, no matter how small, as you take steps toward reducing or eliminating self-injury.

While this process may demand patience and effort, with determination, you absolutely have the ability to create the changes you aspire to make. Embrace this journey toward healing and self-discovery!

 

There are several support options available for individuals who self-harm or have thoughts of self-harm, as well as for their friends and family members. One of the best resources is to talk to a general practitioner (GP) about these feelings. Additionally, you may also find it beneficial to reach out to a free listening service or a support organization for assistance.

 

GP & NHS Services

If you talk to a health professional such as a GP (general practitioner) about self-harm, they'll listen and discuss the best options for you. This could include self-help or support groups. They can also give you advice and refer you on for specialist services to help you.

For example, a GP may offer you an assessment with a local community mental health team (CMHT). This assessment is so the team can help you find the right treatment and support to reduce or stop your self-harm.

You can find out more about what happens during your assessment HERE. 

 

Speak to a GP if:

• You're harming yourself
• You're having thoughts about harming yourself
• You're worried about minor injuries, such as small cuts or burns – without treatment there is a risk of infection

Whilst someone who self-harms won’t necessarily escalate into suicide, some people who self-harm are at a higher risk. It's important to get support or treatment as soon as possible to help with the underlying cause and prevent suicidal thoughts from developing.

They may ask you detailed questions to help them understand the cause of your self-harm. It's important to be honest with them, even if you do not know why you self-harm.

 

You can also contact 111 who are there, ready to listen and help you 24hrs a day.

For help in an emergency Call 999, or ask someone to do it for you. You can also go to Accident & Emergency (A&E) if you are able or get someone else to take you. You can find your nearest A&E HERE. 

 

 

Helplines and Free Listening Services

These services offer confidential support from trained volunteers for anyone who self-harms or thinks about self-harm or suicide, as well as their friends and family. You can talk about anything that's troubling you, no matter how difficult.

• Samaritans Call 116 123, or email: jo@samaritans.org for a reply within 24 hours
• Shout Crisis Text Line Text "SHOUT" to 85258 to contact
• CALM Call 0800 585 858 to talk to Calm (if you're 15 years old or over) or use CALM webchat, both available from 5pm to midnight every day
• HOPELINE247 | Papyrus Call 0800 068 4141, text 07860 039967 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org to contact HOPELINE247, available 24 hours a day
• Mind – call 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 (9am to 6pm on weekdays)
• Childline for under 19’s also call 0800 1111 (the number will not appear on your phone bill)
• YoungMinds Parents Helpline – call 0808 802 5544 (9.30am to 4pm on weekdays)
• Self-Injury Support Helpline - call 0808 800 8088 or text 0753 743 2444 

These services will only share your information if they are very worried about you or think you are in immediate danger.

 

Further information, support and resources

• National Self Harm Network forums
• Staying Safe – Their website provides information and video tutorials on distraction techniques and online templates to guide you through the process to help create a safety plan.
• Self-harm | Papyrus: self-harm resources
• Self-harm - NHS
• People That Self Harm - Harmless
• Self-harm | Types of mental health problems | Mind
• Self-harm | Advice for young people | Get help | YoungMinds
• LifeSIGNS – the user-led self-injury small charity
• Self Injury Support
• Home - Calm Harm App
• Coping with Self-harm | CALM
• Alumina | Selfharm: Online support for 10-17 years olds
• Self-harm: services and resources support for children, young people and parents/carers
• Charlie Waller – Self Harm: Resources and guides on coping for young people and parents 
• The truth about self-harm | Mental Health Foundation
• Dear Life: Help and support for anyone experiencing thoughts of suicide or significant self-harm (or someone they know). 
• Harmless – email info@harmless.org.uk

 

Seeing someone we care about turn to self-harm as a way to cope can be emotionally challenging. We may find ourselves blaming ourselves for not recognizing the signs sooner. It’s natural to feel concerned about not knowing how to help them and to fear that they might eventually do something irreversible.

It's important to remember that you are not alone in this situation. Support is available to help you cope and assist your friend or family member.

 

How to recognise self-harm

It can be hard to recognise when someone has started to self-harm as they may not want anyone else to know and there could be many different ways that they are causing harm to themselves. However, some common signs that could occur include:

• Changes in eating/sleeping habits, weight or appearance
• Increased isolation from friends/family
• Changes in activity and mood e.g., more aggressive or less engaged than usual
• Lowering of achievement in work/studies
• Talking about self-harming or suicide
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Expressing feelings of failure, uselessness or loss of hope
• Giving away possessions
• Signs of physical injury that are out of the ordinary
• Risk taking behaviour
• Significant changes in dress e.g., covering up, bio-oils, very dense tattoos.

In some situations, there are clear signs that someone is self-harming, at other times it can be harder to tell. If you think someone you care for is harming themselves, we encourage you to reach out to them.

For a comprehensive guide on how to recognise the signs of self-harm and how to help please visit the NHS website HERE. 

 

How can I help?

When a person engages in self-harm, it may be a way of seeking attention or a cry for help when they feel unable to ask for it verbally. They might experience feelings of shame and desperation, which can lead them to want to keep their struggles a secret. Therefore, it’s crucial that all instances of self-harm are taken seriously and approached with care.

You may notice someone’s self-harm rather than them directly telling you about it. The individual could be feeling vulnerable, grappling with guilt, shame, and isolation.

One of the most helpful things you can do is simply be present and let them know they’re not alone. The key is to listen and provide support. Assure them that you are there for them and that they don’t have to face their struggles alone. Don’t worry about making mistakes; often, what people need most is emotional connection.

Keep an eye on their mood. If they seem down or are struggling, don’t hesitate to talk to them about it. Many individuals find it challenging to initiate contact and express their feelings, but if someone reaches out and asks how they are doing, they are more likely to open up about what they’re experiencing.

 

• Approach with care and understanding - When speaking to someone who may be self-harming, ask directly and sensitively if they are in distress. It’s essential for them to receive compassion and understanding, as self-harm is often a private struggle that can lead to feelings of shame and isolation. Offering genuine compassion is the most effective way to support them. You don’t need to find the perfect words; expressing your concern with kindness is better than saying nothing. Compassion can save lives and should not be underestimated. Focusing on their emotional pain can help them feel cared for. Nurturing relationships are crucial in helping those who self-harm.
• Don’t Assume - Self-harm can vary greatly between individuals and over time. It's crucial not to assume you understand someone’s experiences unless they've shared their feelings with you. Keep the conversation open and continue to check in, as circumstances can change. People self-harm for different reasons, which can differ from one time to another, so give them the opportunity to share their experiences.
• Listen - Listening to others is a vital skill that many find crucial for recovery. It allows individuals to share their difficulties and helps you understand their feelings, which can empower them to make different choices. For some, talking to you may be their only opportunity to be truly heard, playing a pivotal role in facing their issues. When someone feels safe confiding in you, it’s important to appreciate that trust. Self-harm often indicates serious emotional distress, so you can ask open-ended questions like “How are you feeling?” or “What emotions are you experiencing?” However, give them the space to express themselves in their own words without rushing to understand why they are self-harming. Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers. They may not be looking for solutions; they want understanding and non-judgmental support. Just listening can be the most important thing you do.
• Manage your reactions and remain calm – Learning that someone you care about is self-harming can be emotionally difficult. Stay calm and let them talk freely, as it likely took courage for them to open up. They may have needed help for a while, but were afraid of your reaction. Avoid negative responses that could make them feel worse. While it’s natural to feel angry or upset, reacting with negative emotions can close off the conversation. They need your kindness and support now more than ever.
• Don’t try to take control - People who self-harm often feel out of control. Self-harm can be a way for them to regain some sense of control over their emotions, so it’s essential to keep this in mind when discussing the topic. If someone needs urgent medical attention or is at risk of suicide, ask them what they need and make thoughtful decisions instead of reacting impulsively. You don’t need to have all the answers. Often, people aren’t looking for you to fix their problems; they simply want someone who will listen without judgment and support them while they figure things out. While it may feel like you’re not doing enough by just being present, sometimes taking a step back and allowing someone else to set the pace is the best thing you can do for them.
• Don’t judge or label - Opening up about self-harm is challenging, and facing judgment or hostility can be damaging. People need understanding and compassion to make changes in their lives. Common misconceptions, such as those who self-harm seeking attention or being weak, are false. They often self-harm to cope with overwhelming feelings. It's important to avoid labelling someone as a "self-harmer," as this can define their identity in a negative way. Instead, use terms like "someone who is self-harming." Stigma can lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment, making it harder for them to open up. Let them know they don't need to apologise; you are there to listen and support them. Focus on them as a person, not just their self-harm. Encourage them to view their situation as a problem to solve together rather than a shameful secret.
• Try and find out the underlying cause - Are there underlying difficulties such as bullying, issues in peer relationships, or conflicts in intimate relationships? Sometimes, it can be too easy to focus too much on self-harm itself, rather than on the underlying issues.
• Be patient - When people self-harm, they may be afraid to discuss their problems or accept help due to fear of judgment or rejection. They might also worry that you will try to stop them. Overcoming self-harm is often a slow process, and changes may not be immediately visible. It’s important not to overreact, as confronting feelings can feel overwhelming, making self-harm a difficult coping mechanism to let go of. Supporters should understand that recovery takes time and that stopping immediately is unlikely.
• Encourage them to seek support – While they have taken an important first step by opening up to you, it's essential to remember that you may not be able to provide all the help they need on your own. This doesn’t mean you should share their confidences with others; instead, you can gently suggest that they seek help from trained professionals, as they are better equipped to assist them. If they feel nervous or scared, you might offer to support them by being with them when they call a helpline or accompany them to speak with a doctor. It's crucial not to pressure them or make them feel like they're losing control. Instead, ask them what they need and which options would work best for them while offering your support throughout their choices. Additionally, provide information about support services and help them identify their own coping strategies and support networks.
• Do not guarantee secrecy - It’s important to clarify to them that you cannot guarantee you will never share what they’re telling you. While you respect that they are speaking to you in confidence, if their safety is at significant risk, you may need to consult a medical professional for guidance. Reassure them that you will never make this decision without their knowledge; instead, you will discuss the situation together and explore all options before taking any action.
• Guide them towards hope - When someone is self-harming, it can be challenging to see a way forward for them. It’s often difficult to know how to help or what to say. However, the most important thing you can offer is hope. People who self-harm can feel extremely lost and hopeless. As someone supporting them, it’s crucial that you don’t lose your own sense of direction. If you start to feel overwhelmed, remember to reach out for help for yourself in order to rebuild your resilience. Additionally, it’s essential to recognise that a person is more than just their problems. It’s easy to focus solely on the difficulties they face, but it’s important to talk about other aspects of their life as well—such as their interests, passions, hopes, opinions, and hobbies. Allowing someone to express these parts of themselves helps them be seen as a whole person rather than just a collection of challenges.

 

If you are unsure on how to start the conversation, the Samaritans have some great tips on how to help someone open up about their feelings and how to become a better listener. You can find out more about this HERE. 

 

Supporting someone in the longer term

Helping someone cope with self-harm is not a one-time effort. They may not be able to stop immediately, even if they want to. The most important thing you can do is to be there for them. Allow them to share their feelings and discuss the options available for seeking help.

Talk with them about coping strategies they could use. Ask when they are most likely to self-harm and what they have found helpful for distraction in the past. Replacing self-harm with safer coping techniques can effectively address difficult emotions.

Keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for another. They might already have some strategies that help, or you could assist them in finding new ones. Once you identify the methods that are most helpful during times of emotional distress, gently remind them of these techniques and how they might be useful now.

Some suggestions for coping strategies can be found above in the “What can I do if I want to stop self-harming?” section of this page.

 

Don’t:

• Don’t tell them to stop self-harming or give them an ultimatum – Self-harm is often an individual's way of coping and staying alive. While someone who self-harms may not be suicidal, their behaviour could be the one thing that helps them manage their feelings. Taking this coping mechanism away from them, encouraging them to hide it, or trying to stop them for the wrong reasons may leave them feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and experiences, potentially leading to suicidal thoughts or actions. If you tell them to stop when they are not ready, consider what they might feel their only other option is.
• Do not ignore self-harm - However superficial it may seem to you, self-harm should never be ignored.
• Do not make promises you can’t keep – As tempting as it may be to promise to always be there for someone or to never share what they’ve confided in you, there are times when it simply isn’t possible to keep those promises. It’s important to remember that you can’t guarantee your availability whenever they need you. If you genuinely fear for their safety, you may find it necessary to reach out for help.
• Don’t make yourself responsible for their self-harm or become the person who is supposed to stop them – Ultimately, the decision to self-harm rests with the individual. You can offer your support and be there for them as much as possible, but ultimately, the choice to self-harm is theirs. If situations become serious, there may be little you can do to prevent them from engaging in self-harm.